


dog teeth

by deadchan



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Drugs are Bad, Emotions, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Post-Season/Series 02, Shenanigans, Slurs, Smoking, Smooching, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, alex has a time, alex is bi, alex is bi confirmed, bad language, i dont condone this but its part of the story, justin doesnt care about labels, justin tries to be good, lots of drug use mention, lots of feelings, or the desire to do it, teenagers using insults
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-05-16 01:40:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14801916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadchan/pseuds/deadchan
Summary: Nobody had really expected that Justin and Alex would find something between them. When they started dating things seemed well enough but to the two of them in private, it quickly became apparent they were both very unhealthy and very confused. Though the positives outweigh the negatives they had to learn they couldn't simply avoid everything by hiding in one another.





	1. he handed me a pair of pliers and told me to pull out his teeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first fic in ages so i am probably rusty. this is more or less an introduction to the beginning of their relationship. there will be dark themes and graphic content, some violence and eventual smut.
> 
> i have no beta reader so if anyone is interested contact me. please leave a comment if you feel so inclined. questions, concerns, suggestions, constructive criticism is all gladly accepted.
> 
> title and chapters are the lyrics to dog teeth by nicole dollanganger.

_ Alex _

It had taken less than a day to find out what had happened between Jess and Justin. Oddly he discovered that he wasn't particularly angry, just empty and disappointed. He didn't have it in his heart to hate them when he knew their history all too well. Despite Justin's betrayal, they had been close and hadn't had the chance to even talk about things let alone find any kind of closure. All three of them had been through their own personal hell. After kissing her on the beach Alex had realized he didn't love her like he knew he should.

So, even though they had wronged him, it was okay. He didn't want to make things worse so he simply ignored it. Eventually someone would bring it up but it wouldn't be him. Instead, he loses himself to sleep and nightmares.

He still hates Justin a bit but at this point he hates everything at least a bit. Nothing in life is good anymore, no, it's always tainted somehow. Hope was his worst enemy and the best he could ever imagine getting in life from others was pity. Since Alex doesn't remember everything clearly, he doesn't feel the loathing for Justin as strongly as it once was. But it's definitely there coupled with the other things he had done to wrong Alex, as well as Jessica and Hannah. After listening to the tapes and forcing himself to remember enough fragments to piece things together he hits a low point. All he can think about is the sweet release of death again.

What had happened to Hannah was wrong in so many ways and though he knew they all held some fault he felt as though he held the most. If he hadn't made her into a target then nothing as extreme would have happened. At least, that's what he convinced himself of. She hadn't deserved the bullying nor had she deserved his careless selfishness. He had ruined her life and by proxy so many others outside of his own. The others were guilty of their own wrong doings but in the end it always came back to him. Worst of all, it felt like everyone was beginning to heal. They were slowly but surely coming to handle life post-Hannah.

Then there was him. He was useless to everyone in his life and all he would ever get from others was pity. Nobody would see him as a real person now that he was so delicate and shattered. Nobody would ever love him because he didn't deserve such a thing. If he were to keep living he would need to atone for his heavy sins. The only way he knew how to do that for now was to suffer silently and think about Justin, about Jess, about Hannah, and on bad nights, about Bryce. 

Though Bryce was moving schools it couldn’t happen soon enough. After the end of the trial, Zach was done with his old crowd completely, though he still hung out with a few members of the baseball team who hadn’t been seduced by Bryce’s charm and wealth. It seemed that now the biggest asshole in school was Monty, though for how long, no one could be sure. It was only a matter of time before his harassment caught up with him. Zach had decided Alex was a much more worthy friend to have than pretty much everyone he’d been friends with for the past few years. That was okay, they got along rather well without the tension of being watched hanging over them.

When Justin starts sitting with him and Zach Alex chalks it up to more pity. He clearly still felt guilty about cheating with Jess. He didn't bring anything up though and the three of them managed to have a normal, even fun, conversation. The older boy looked like hell, a zombie of his former fit self, and Alex figured this was mostly from the shit he was still going through. So far as he knew, only himself, Tony, Clay, Sheri, Jess, and Clays parent knew about the drugs. But there were already rumors, there always were.

Even though he should hate Justin Foley, Alex finds himself wanting to help keep him afloat. It's strange but somehow doesn't evoke as much self-hatred as he'd anticipated. Later that day when they see each other again they all head over to the Jensen’s to do homework.

Eventually, two days later, Jessica admits what happened the night of the dance and they agree to break up. He assures her he is fine and still wants to be friends. They have a long and deep talk about it and both come to realize they were all pretty fucked up. Jessica can't decide if she loves Justin or Alex more and in the end comes to the conclusion she loves them both. But it's a different kind of love than she had anticipated.

“I feel a connection to you and to him but I don't think I can do the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing with either of you. I need to work on myself. We all desperately do.”

“Jess, I don’t blame you for it.” While that was true it still hurt and he couldn’t help being a bit jealous of the both of them. He couldn’t help wondering what such intense and fucked up love felt like. “Anyway, I screwed you over first, so fair’s fair.”

“Thanks, Alex, but it was still a dick move. That’s why I’m going to make it up to you, to both of us, by taking care of myself. I won’t leave you behind, I won't forget about you.”

As good as sharing warmth with Justin had been things just didn't feel quite right anymore. She thought she could probably handle being friends but a relationship carried too many unpleasant memories. With Alex, she realized it was partially pity and partially to make up for lost time. He had been straightforward both before and after shooting himself about the things he had done wrong. She admired him for that and didn't want him to be alone while he felt so vulnerable and weak.

“We both fucked up but I think you got it worse,” he says offhandedly.

“How can you say that? Who the fuck can judge what tragedies are worse? We both got hit hard. But we'll get back up and keep going. Right?”

“Yeah, you're right.”

Having admitted bluntly their faults and mistakes Alex actually did feel a lot better about that. Hanging out with Justin suddenly carried almost no awkwardness. Neither did seeing Jess. He was glad he could keep people in his life rather than be cut off. 

“You should talk to Justin about it. We both should, when we are ready, on our own terms.”

“Yeah, I guess. He looks so sad and lost trying to be as nice to me as possible all while looking so guilty. It would be a relief for both of us if he could stop looking like that.”

With this conversation came a good night's rest for the first time in a while. When he sees Justin at school the next day he makes an effort to take a mental inventory of his state. The bags under his eyes looked no better than before, but if he wasn't mistaken they were no worse either. Justin seems a bit shy at first when it becomes apparent Alex plans to hobble around with him all day instead of Zach, who briefly says hello but heads off for class early to cram study. 

They got along fairly well. They both had the same kind of catty, sarcastic humor and easily ended up going overboard on more than one occasion. They found that being friendly came easily and Alex was again thankful he had spoken with Jess rather than let thoughts fester. When Jess had come to him to talk about her feelings he was actually relieved. He knew most of it had been pity but for once it hadn't seemed like bad pity. Truthfully, they had both needed someone and agreed they would still be the type of friends to hug every day. It felt good to be able to be honest with people without emotions tearing everyone apart. It was almost too good to be true.

The next week is filled with what feels suspiciously like friendship. Though Jessica is only ever around them briefly she makes an effort to make them both feel cared for. They both do their best to do the same; the others notice and seem silently flabbergasted by the lack of drama. However, it's obvious that everyone is relieved no one is torn up about the break-up. Slowly but surely it seems some problems are coming to a close for everyone. 

While he felt happy for his friends Alex couldn't help but secretly envy them all and pity himself. Everyone else but him was physically capable of supporting themselves. He would only ever heal so much, he knew he would always have a bum leg and that sometimes his hand would spasm for no reason. He would always be dead weight, emotional baggage, a reminder of suicide and the damage it could cause. 

Every day he spent with his friends helped combat the feeling of his life being eternally worthless. It was the little things they did that helped to make him feel needed and part of the group. Best of all, with each passing day, he could feel some of the darkness leaving him all thanks to one specific smile. He wasn’t sure what it was about seeing Justin happy that got to him, but any time he caught the other smiling he found himself doing the same. The most entertaining thing of all about the friendship was that Justin kept asking for help with his work. Seeing how hard he was trying to move on and focus on passing this year was endearing, and of course, it made him feel useful.

Alex can sense Justin's mild unease while they do homework and listen to music in his room. He seems on edge but not just because of the withdrawal. They had talked about the whole thing a few nights ago after Justin asked if he could tutor him a bit in English and chemistry. It seemed difficult for the taller boy to speak about his addiction but he was obviously making an effort since Alex had asked him to share more. He was sure the other needed someone to talk to about it and he just couldn't imagine Clay handling the guilt well. 

He'd chuckled and said, “Even with a brain injury you're twice as smart as me.” The joke was dark humor and for a few seconds he looks shy and unsure but when Alex bursts out laughing, a genuine grin blossoms across his face.

“We need to talk about Jess.” Alex had replied a few moments later. He hadn't meant to blurt it out, hadn't even been sure when he would bring it up. 

“A-alright,” at least he doesn't play dumb.

Alex licks his lips and thinks of the words hard this time before speaking. “You don't need to feel bad about it anymore. She and I talked. I'm not mad at you. I probably should be but all I can do is understand.” He finishes with a shrug.

The other boy is quiet for a long time. It seems he is fighting back tears and perhaps trying to figure out what to say. Seeing him struggle so much has Alex's chest twisting up in weird pains. He isn't sure what else to say so instead he just hugs him. Justin is tense for a few seconds before hugging back, clinging like he might drown if he let go. Alex kind of liked that, it felt good to be someone else's rock, even if only briefly. 

“Still, Alex, I'm so sorry.”

“Yeah, I know, but I forgive you. Both of you. I don't want anyone to keep getting hurt so instead of letting my anger control me I am choosing to be understanding.”

“... Thank you. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore either. I don't want to cause any hurt.”

“For starters, you gotta promise to talk to me whenever it gets tough, I like being there for you, it gives me a sense of purpose.”

Justin smiles weakly and then finally break the hug entirely. “Standall, are you using me?” Alex jabs him in the ribs gently with an elbow before continuing.

“You also gotta promise me you’ll never do heroin again because that shit fucks you up bad. And, this is the most important thing, pertinent to every other aspect of our friendship: neither of us can lie. No matter what. A little pain is better than a lot.”

After a few moments of consideration, he nods and Alex nods back. The feelings were raw and painful but sharing left them both feeling a bit lighter and, interestingly enough, a bit closer. It seemed Justin was actually quite keen to get to know Alex all over again. Both of them had been through some intense changes. The older boy was still going through a particularly troublesome one.


	2. because as long as he had them he would use them to do bad things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, finished a lot sooner than i had expected. i doubt the other chapters will come out so close together but ive just been so excited about this. still no beta reader, which only matters because im having a bit of trouble with the timeline as well as not being american so the school system is a bit foreign to me. so please excuse any silly inaccuracies. also i didnt mean to write so little dialogue for these first two chapters, i promise the next chapter will involve more present tense interaction.

_ Justin _

Living with the Jensen’s was heaven compared to everything else in his life. It was even better than Bryce’s had ever been, though there were always questions and conversations to be had. He wasn’t used to people caring and actually wanting to know things about him without getting upset about it. The fact that he could feel Matt and Lainie having a genuine concern for him was equal parts annoying and wonderful. It was weird, yes, but nobody else had ever expressed their like for him before in such a familial way. Having conversations over a homemade breakfast every morning seemed so outlandishly cartoony, something Justin had never expected to like. 

Clay was a bit awkward at first and Justin had been somewhat bashful. On more than one occasion he had told Justin that he didn't always have to look like a lost puppy because he had a home now. A safe, warm, non-threatening environment where he was actually able to motivate himself to do homework. They had done so much more for him than he had expected and so he felt eternally grateful. He knew the best way to show them how thankful he was would be to make an effort in life.

These days the worst that ever happened to him was having to see some of the guys he used to hang out with in the halls. Somehow civility was managed, though for the most part that simply meant ignoring each other. The other major issue was that of putting up his best face to help his friends relax. He didn't want anyone to worry about him too much anymore. As far as Justin was concerned the only person anybody needed to bother worrying about was Jess. He could handle his demons alone without upsetting them further. 

From Justin's point of view, he and Alex were babied the most. It didn't make sense, in his opinion Jess deserved the most babying. Then again, by now, she had surely snapped at everyone to just treat her normally. It seemed to be working well for her because every time he saw her she looked a little less chained down. Her smile still made his heart skip a beat. Being able to just talk with her, without feeling guilty, was a win all on its own. Better yet, not having her or Alex or anyone hating him was such a treat. Actually having friends, people around him who liked more than just sports and booze, was strange but not entirely unwelcome. He was still adjusting to the fact that he had real friends, people who didn’t hate him.

At least, for now they didn’t, but he wasn’t sure how long he could keep up the act. As soon as anyone found out he had been using again, even if only twice since the service for Hannah, they were sure to throw him to the curb. There was only so much decent people could take before breaking or retaliating, that much he was well acquainted with by now. These days it felt like the only thing keeping him sane was the support they offered. Most days he hung out with Zach and Alex, with a sprinkling of Clay, Jessica, Sheri, and Tony on the side. He was sure he’d even be friendly to Tyler if the kid were still in school but only because he and Clay had had a long talk about him. If anyone he knew needed pity, it was Tyler.

It was strange having such a variety of friends because everyone had their one main thing but seemed to be a part of so many others as well. Though Zach had quit baseball, something his mother was far from happy about, he had joined track and the swim team. Alex rejoined jazz band but still spent most of his free time hanging out with him or Zach or Jess. Jessica, Sheri, and Nina seemed to be getting along quite well and spent most of their days at each other’s sides. It was always good to see her happy and smiling.

Clay sat with him or Tony most days but sometimes they all sat at the same table, even the girls, even now and then Ryan and Courtney, who seemed to be bestfriends. It was like an eclectic little family that got along well despite all their differences and sometimes it tore him up inside to be around. It was so good and relieving yet being guilty made it hard to handle some days. He wasn’t as good as everyone else, he was the weakest link, the scum of the earth, the one they took pity on when they really shouldn’t. Their kindness was misplaced and one day, if he wasn’t careful, he was going to hurt someone again.

The closest to being honest he could get was with Alex. In the days that followed their agreement, to tell the truth about everything and to stop pining over Jessica, they had revealed some things to each other that they felt couldn’t be shared with anyone else. Of course, he still hadn’t been able to be upfront about the drugs, but it helped immensely to get a bit of the past off his chest. They talked about their days hanging out before Hannah died, the few things that had actually been good and all the shit that had been boring, awful, or downright dangerous. They admitted some faults, some arrogance, some lies. Without Alex, Justin was certain he’d have bailed on the scene by now.

Alex was becoming his rock. He was even going to be attending summer school too since he’d missed some classes due to being in the hospital. Justin could tell it made him feel good whenever he was honest and talked about what bugged him. The trust between them made them both feel stronger, needed, and useful. He hadn’t shot up since that day but boy oh boy had he been craving it. The shakes and constant nausea were the worst, especially whenever anyone saw any of it. Of course, his friends knew he was in withdrawal and to expect some of this, but they didn’t know that he kept drawing things out with his weakness.

Weed helped a lot but not always. He had already picked up a job just so he could have some cash to buy the stuff, though he told the Jensen’s he was trying to save up for the future. It wasn’t entirely a lie since he was saving up a bit, but now that he wasn’t associated with Bryce anymore he had to provide for himself. It was only a few hours three days a week but it made him just enough to be able to get what he wanted. Besides, actually working helped with some of the jitters. Since he’d quit sports he needed to do more physical activities and just working out wasn’t motivation enough. 

Matt had offered to get him a gym membership or find him some kind of after-school program to help get him back in shape. Justin was the boniest he’d been since he was a preteen and apparently it was noticeable. They didn’t expect him to pay rent, they only expected him to follow the house rules, which he did his best to abide by outside of his one little ( _read: massive_ ) problem. In fact, Clay’s parents were fully aware of his smoking but so long as he didn’t do it in the house, they let it slide. Both of them seemed to warily understand he needed something to take the edge off.

The pity hurt so much but he could never escape it. Having been born to a cruel fate he was doomed to always be a sob story. No matter who he met or who he ended up loving he would always be that guy who’d been neglected and beaten as a kid. He would always be a junkies unwanted pregnancy, and a charity case for people like Bryce. He would never get to just be himself because all he could ever manage to be was some semblance of better than his past. People were always telling him he was better than his parents, his situation, that he was strong for sticking around and trying to better himself. But Justin knew that was all a lie. He was no better than his mother and he never would be. The stuff was already in his veins, the monkey was clinging to his back, he was doomed.

Alex rarely ever gave him looks of pity. They sometimes made jokes in the absolute poorest of tastes and still ended up laughing like goons. Something about their broken selves seemed to click and neither of them had to fake pity or fake being pitied. He began to get bubbling feelings in his guts that he hadn’t felt since first meeting Hannah, or first dating Jess. This was confusing to him as he’d never really been attracted to a guy before but the more he thought about it, the more time he spent around Alex, the more he became sure of what that feeling truly was. Justin started to wonder about Alex’s history, about his likes and dislikes, about his capacity to feel attraction.

Obviously Alex wanted a relationship. Not just to be in one, but to be able to love someone and be loved back, to be wanted and needed and cherished. After the whole scandal of the past year he had said he could care less about getting laid. It was good enough that, at least, his junk still worked and he could get off. There were more important things out there that he desperately wanted but didn't think he would ever get. Being crippled, having such a sob story, having been the bully once, he felt like between all of this he would always be unlovable. Justin wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that there was a lot of room for someone to love Alex despite all of that.

Whenever they made eye contact he would be tempted to look away shyly, fearful of blushing and giving away his thoughts. He still wasn’t even sure what he felt or wanted but he knew that what he wanted didn’t matter compared to what his friends wanted. Justin was more than willing to do anything for any of them if it meant making up even a little bit of the wrong he’d done to them. Whenever he saw Alex smile it was like pouring gasoline on the fire that was his smoldering heart. That damn smile. It was captivating, addictive, secretive. His lips always looked so inviting, his eyes were always so bright, and best of all, he was always ready to give Justin a shove for teasing him.

It was perfect, more than he could ever ask for from anyone again. Even on some of Alex’s bad days, even when it was obvious he’d been crying or he kept zoning out, Justin couldn’t help but admire his features. His eyes always seemed drawn to the area where the scar was but not because he felt bad for Alex, more so because he kept getting the urge to kiss it. He wasn’t sure if being in love with one of your best friends was an okay thing to do but he figured so long as he didn’t burden Alex with his feelings it couldn’t be that bad. There was nothing wrong with covertly appreciating everything about his friend. 

And, most importantly, if Alex never knew how he felt then they would never have to go through the hardship of feelings. He doubted the other boy was into dudes, and if he was, Justin knew he should still keep his feelings to himself. He was already breaking the cardinal rule, he couldn’t imagine being an addict would be any better if they were closer. He promised himself if he could manage to get clean for real then maybe he deserved to at least express his new feelings. However, it seemed doubtful he would ever get there.

It’s Friday night and Spring has more than officially sprung. Clay had been invited to a party by Tony and everyone else was going except Alex, who wasn’t supposed to drink yet (or at all, according to his parents and the law). After hours of convincing his friends it was alright for them to go and enjoy themselves at a party, Justin goes for a walk to smoke a few joints. While walking, smoking, and thinking, he gets a text from Alex asking what he was up to. After some back and forth it is decided the two of them will have their own party, a pity party for losers who couldn’t handle the real deal. He’s not sure why this idea makes him feel so giddy or why he can’t stop grinning like a fool. It wasn’t a date or anything, hell, they would probably just end up doing what they always did.

He goes home (home, was that really a word he was allowed to _think_ let alone feel?) to grab his bag so he can roll some more weed up later for another walk. He leaves his schoolwork in there too, figuring that if he ended up spending the night they’d probably do some homework at some point like the boy scouts they were. He adds in some extra clothes too in case that is what happens, then heads off to Alex’s. On the way he texts Lainie to let her know where he’s going. She was always so curious and so worried and he knew that it was just better for the both of them to give her a heads up.

He walks the whole way even though he could have saved some time by riding Clay’s bike. He simply had forgotten he was allowed to use it, and anyway, being stoned while walking was something he could enjoy. Even though he’s about to be there in person he and Alex text back and forth for the majority of the walk. It’s a nice start to a chill Friday hang out.

When he first arrives it’s just Alex home due to his dad and brother going out to get dinner. It was a cheat night that evening, with Alex's mom at work for another 12 hours, the boys had decided to sneak in some pizza. Alex berates him for smelling like a degenerate and refuses to let him into the house without a hefty Febrezeing first. Though it’s only logical since his father is a cop Justin still finds it painfully wholesome. They then go up to his room where they game a little, though mostly it’s him watching the other boy play and sometimes joining in. Racing had never been his forte unless it was old school Mario Kart, and even then, he kind of sucked.

They listen to music and talk and joke and eventually eat pizza, which leads to them watching a movie while they eat. This means they’re both on the bed and rather relaxed though Alex makes him cover his lap in napkins to avoid crumbs or spillage. His dad wasn’t keen on food in the bedrooms but made an exception since the two boys were clearly just trying to enjoy themselves and stay out of trouble. After they’re done they go for a walk so Justin can smoke again. Though Alex is a little annoyed by his persistence he enjoys the fresh air and being with his friend.

“Maybe in a few weeks I’ll start walking without my cane, see how that goes,” He says while Justin holds in a cough. 

“So what you really mean,” He responds once he can breathe again, “is that I’m going to be your cane, huh? I may as well be giving you piggybacks right now.” He offers the joint to the other but Alex shakes his head, wrinkling his nose.

“First of all, fuck you and eat a dick thanks, and second, I hate being high around my dad. Makes me way too paranoid and anxious.”

“Alright, you’re off the hook this time.”

“So how’s running going for you? Gunna be Liberty High’s next dreamboat track star? Sounds like you’ve got the lungs of an angel.”

Justin chuckles and exhales a plume of smoke. “Nah, I’m done with being in the spotlight, I ain’t no star.”

“Good. It would be a waste of your time anyway because you suck at being quick about anything.”

“Isn’t being slow good though? Like in the story about the turtle and the rabbit, doesn’t, like, the turtle end up winning and shit?”

“You mean the tortoise and the hare? I guess that is the moral of the story, but it’s also boring.”

“Oh yeah? Well I hate to break it to you, Standall, but you’re not exactly the Road Runner here. I could leave you in the dust if I wanted to.”

“But you won’t.” He can’t argue with that so he just finishes smoking. They walk around a while longer before heading back to Alex's as the sun begins to set. This time he sprays himself with the artificial scent of rain and mountains before they step inside.

Even though Justin has a safe place to stay now he asks to stay the night. It’s nice to be able to do that without having the underlying need to be away from something, or rather, someone horrible. He says it’s so they can do homework tomorrow so he doesn’t fail his math test on Monday, but they both know math is Alex’s worst subject. Between having a different system at his last school and his hospital stay, he had no idea what was going on. Nonetheless, Alex hobbles downstairs on his own, the older boy knowing better than to offer assistance. 

Slowly but surely, Alex _was_ getting stronger. Zach had really been doing wonders by always helping him get through his physiotherapy. He asks his dad if it's alright if Justin stays and his dad gives him a long look before nodding. He’s not quite sure what that means but he figures it's because Justin has a somewhat bad reputation despite his massive change for the better. He really hopes that it wasn’t because he could smell the weed.

Although Justin had quit sports he still worked out and had taken up running in an effort to not give in to the temptation of apathy. Except he hated running so really it was more like speed walking that quickly turned into leisurely walking. Living on the streets had sapped almost 40 pounds out of him so truth be told he was nearly as scrawny as Alex these days. Running wasn’t something he was good at it but it was better than not doing anything to try to gain back some of his muscles. Plus, the adrenaline helped him cope with some of the feelings that came with thinking about the fix he didn't want.

Surprisingly they end up getting into some work right away, mostly because of a disagreement on a history assignment. Justin keeps calling them both nerds for doing homework on a Friday night but secretly he’s enjoying it. Well, not so secretly, since they’re both managing to still chat while reading about World War II deaths. Once that’s sorted out they begrudgingly move on to math. Though both of them are clueless and frustrated they persevere with the help of youtube tutorial videos. 

They actually keep working on their assignment until it's complete even though by the end of it he has a headache and feels like he might explode from focusing so hard. He really wants to go smoke a few bowls and pass out but he knows that he’s already smoked enough around Alex. He’d probably pushed things too far as it was by smoking on their walk. So rather than suggesting anything he just sits around and listens to Alex fiddle with his guitar for a bit. Though he was still getting used to how his hands worked now, he could still produce a decent lullaby.

After several minutes of silence followed by a massive yawn and jittery foot tapping, Alex asks him if he's hungry or just wants to sleep. He asks for some water and Alex gestures for him to follow him to the kitchen. By this point, everyone else is in bed. Even though Justin hadn't particularly wanted to eat Alex fixes them up a snack anyway. It's rice crackers, baby carrots, and hummus which isn’t a snack he’s used to. Oddly enough he’s come to find that healthy food isn't as awful as he thought. Not that he was picky, someone like him couldn't afford to be picky.

They retreat with the snacks and ice water back to the room where Alex offers up some Netflix and chill. For a moment Justin thinks about the connotations of that statement and imagines letting himself kiss Alex. It’s a pleasant but fleeting thought as he quickly shakes the idea from his head and settles onto the bed beside him. It’s hard to tell if he’s just being a burnout or not, but it feels like they’re closer than before. Their arms even brush a few times while they eat.

This was heaven too. If he had to die right now he would gladly go because he wasn’t sure if it would ever be better than this. He had no right to complain about anything, nor to want more than what he was getting. Once the snacks are finished the dishes are set aside and they both strip off a layer to get more comfortable. Alex always complained about how uncomfortable sleeping in clothes was and always made a big deal out of Justin doing it. Neither of them was the type to wear pj's but t-shirts and boxers had become acceptable attire most nights. Usually, Justin tried to sleep on the floor like he had in the past but more often than not they would both end up passing out on the bed while watching something.

Alex is always the first to fall asleep when Justin stays over, even when he’s dead tired he always tries to stay up as long as he can. Sometimes it’s just to keep his friend company, but sometimes it’s for a more selfish reason. When Alex is asleep he’s able to unabashedly look at his face and silently take note of every dimple and mark. He can stare for hours sometimes before feeling like a creep and turning onto his side. This night, rather than watching him, Justin sets the laptop under the bed before laying as close as possible. With his arm against Alex’s, he lets himself enjoy the warmth and the quiet and lets his mind roam. For a few moments before sleep takes him he imagines being able to share a bed like this every night.


	3. youre cold on the inside theres a dog in your heart and it tells you to tear everything apart

_ Alex _

When he initially wakes up his eyes flutter open and the first thing he sees is Justin’s back in a stream of sunlight. He was pretty sure he’d been having a bad dream but whatever it was, he’d already forgotten most of it. Justin is passed out hard as per usual; though both of them tend to toss and turn throughout the night, the other boy sleeps like lead. It always takes way too much effort to get him to wake up. His eyes wander over a few splashes of beauty marks, and a few faint scars.

From what he did know about Justin's upbringing, he could imagine some of these did come from sports and horsing around with his friends. But Alex is certain that at least one nasty faded purple scar is from something much worse. They had never actually talked about that part of his life, since it was technically over with. Still, Alex wondered. The more he thought about it the more it made sense that Justin and Bryce would be friends. A place to stay, food, freedom from fear and the ability to pretend he had a better life.

It’s rather hot even with the window open and the fan going, but unlike Justin he hadn’t shed his shirt. In fact, he’d been under the covers the whole evening and was hogging the majority, though his sleeping companion didn’t seem to mind. Justin seemed capable of falling asleep under almost any conditions while Alex was rather finicky. He needed a blanket no matter how hot out it was. 

Justin shifts and grunts in his sleep but doesn’t wake. Alex decides he can lay here a bit longer and just think. There was never a shortage of shitty things to think about, especially early in the morning on a Saturday. _Especially_ with a strange friend in his bed. In the wake of the end of the trial and the incident at the dance things were continuing to silently unravel. Now more people than ever were starting to feel the rippling effects of the cruelty of teenagers. It wasn’t all on Tyler, what he’d planned on doing. Alex could understand even if he didn’t agree.

He wished desperately that he had done something to stop it before it’d gotten to that point. He had forgotten to message Tyler after his birthday party, to apologize for Jess and Zach being overprotective. He’d known that must have hurt a lot. It was the small things like this that now were eating him alive. If _only_ he had done more to help Tyler, to help Hannah, to help Jessica. If only he wasn’t always so self-absorbed.

Maybe if he had been a better friend he could have tried talking to Justin about what had happened at Jessica's party before things got blown out of proportion. He could have approached him one on one after the tapes were passed around. Part of him knows that Justin would have just gotten upset and avoided talking about it but the other half insists he could have convinced him to do the right thing. Now that they were actually getting to know each other, he was coming to discover all the ways that Justin was a good person.

Eventually he gets bored of his reflections and sits up. After shoving Justin a few times to no avail, he awkwardly slides down to the foot of the bed to get up. With a yawn he wipes at his eyes and then stands up, making his way to his desk to check his phone. It was slightly past 9am and he had about 19 texts and 2 missed calls. Most of them were from Jess and Zach, cute little snaps of them smiling with stickers saying “miss you babe” and “love you”. Clearly the gang had had a successful lowkey party and truly, Alex was happy for them.

It took a few moments of mindlessly scrolling facebook for it to set in that he really wasn't bitter about it at all. Though he would have liked to have fun with them and hang out, he had had a nice evening with Justin. He smiles upon recalling them doing homework and starts to send Jess a text about it in joke form. Once it’s sent he decides to go see what the breakfast situation is, but first, he does his stretches. He preferred to get them out of the way before anyone had a chance to eye up his awkward, stiff movements.

His mother is still stuck at the hospital and Peter has gone back to school so, for now, it's just his dad at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper. They begin a casual conversation in which Alex is a little excited to talk about the math they’d powered through, in hopes that it would earn Justin cookie points. He must have seemed a bit too excited because his dad gives him a questionable look and then, after a pause, asks what the other teenager is up to. 

“Still passed out as usual. He sleeps like a hibernating bear, snores and all.” he whips up some almond flour pancakes with blueberries, figuring the other boy would have an appetite like a bear too. It was always a bad sign if Justin wasn’t hungry.

“I might have to consider making him pay rent, the kid spends so much time here.” Alex knows he’s joking but it still bothers him. He doesn’t respond right away and instead focuses on the pancakes. 

“I guess.” 

“Oh come on, I’m only pulling your leg. I’m glad that boy is cleaning up his act. You must be a good influence on him.”

“You could say that.”

“What kind of influence is he on you?”

He hesitates while making up a plate for both boys, trying his best not to frown. He couldn't outright play dumb but if this was about the weed, he was going to strangle Justin. It was always so annoying when his father pulled the authority card and cornered Alex into admitting things he would rather not. 

“Not the worst I guess, considering nobody else has put the effort into getting me through a whole math assignment in one sitting. He deserves some kind of award.”

That seems to be a satisfying enough answer. With the excuse of fresh, warm pancakes on his side, Alex scurries off before things can continue. It is a test of endurance for him, more than just breakfast in bed as Alex slowly but surely makes his way up the stairs. He has the two plates and two bottles of protein junk balanced precariously on a tray with cutlery, low cal low carb syrup, and organic butter. Much to his surprise Justin is awake when he enters the room. He looks like he's only just regained consciousness but smiles at the sight of Alex with breakfast.

They spend the rest of the day together mostly inside, though twice they go out so Justin can smoke. First, they go to the store to secretly get some candy that they finish before returning, the second time is just a walk in the park. Alex leaves his cane at home and does well for the first half but 40 minutes in his hips start to ache and he has a tension headache from concentrating on not stumbling. 

Justin seems hesitant at first but then he boldly slips an arm around Alex's waist. He doesn’t comment on the increased limp and instead continues their conversation about the Gorillaz. Alex really appreciates the casualness of it all but is a bit off put by the jolt of elation inside of him. He detects a blush creeping over half of his body at their closeness and feels suddenly paranoid about anyone seeing them like this.

Not because he was particularly afraid to be called gay, he just didn’t want word to get back to his father. Or worse, he didn’t want Monty to see and begin hounding them again. It was bad enough that he was still at the school and Alex had to see him in the halls sometimes. He wasn’t sure he could stop himself from acting out if any more negative attention were brought to him or his friends. 

The next week brings about a lot of confusion every time he and Justin spend time together. It worries him that he likes a boy so much because of what had happened the last time. He didn’t want to hurt Justin’s feelings, if he even felt remotely the same way, but he couldn’t risk another move. Not when he’d made some solid friendships and finally felt like he might belong somewhere. Besides, it was most likely that Justin was just being overly nice to him to make up for the shitty things he’d done. Alex couldn’t be mad about that but somehow the thought was a bit disappointing.

Each day when the sun sets he finds himself thinking more and more about Justin before he sleeps. He thinks about everyone else in relation to Justin, how they must see him and think about him and feel for him. He thinks about how much better it must be to have a place like the Jensen’s to sleep in. He thinks about how Justin must feel awkward sharing a space with Clay but is also clearly grateful for the company. Many times he’d mentioned how being alone was the toughest thing for him sometimes, and Clay was always there to distract him.

The more time they spend together the better he feels about himself, about life, about recovering. Between getting close to Justin and bonding with Zach he felt like maybe, just maybe, he might be strong enough to overcome his self-inflicted handicaps. Though most of it was brain damage a lot of movements were becoming natural again. His nerves might be a bit fried up in his head but his limbs technically worked just fine. 

Jessica also seemed to be quite pleased with their relationship, if a bit shocked at first. She kept cracking jokes about shipping them as a couple which he almost felt insulted by, considering what they’d done behind his back. But with time, as his feelings continued to develop, he started to agree with her. Justin might not be right for her, they may never quite heal from what he’d let happen, but that didn’t have to entirely effect whatever might happen between the two boys. Basically, she’d given him his blessing.

The only problem was he couldn’t do the same thing for himself. Though he’d told them both he forgave them, he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to get rid of every ounce of spite he felt about it. Even with the other boy’s smile, his constant concern and desire to keep him company, it still persisted. It didn’t help that he kept thinking about the past either, what had happened before he moved here kept trying to take up space in his head. His father wasn’t any help either, he always seemed to say things that were double-edged when Alex least expected it.

One day Alex tells Justin to come in through the window. Though he seems confused he complies, meeting him there and climbing in quietly. Now that he was able to keep his door closed they didn’t always have to announce Justin’s visits, which would take off some of the heat on the parental front. He hated being asked questions but it was even worse when they were questions he couldn’t decide the answers to even when he tried. 

“Okay, I’ve arrived alive and undetected, but dare I ask why?” He doesn’t seem all that upset about it, but he does stink like weed. Alex sighs and grabs the febreze.

“My dad's on my case. I just didn’t want more questions.” He sprays the other boy down and momentarily dodges the obvious question.

“What about?” He slips off his backpack and sets it on the floor, sitting on the edge of the other’s bed. Alex continues to stand.

“Things.” Justin raises an eyebrow. “He just thinks I spend too much time with you, that it’ll make me wanna do bad things.”

Justin chuckles and lays back on the bed, hands behind his head and amused eyes focused on Alex. “Do you wanna do bad things?”

“Kind of. It’s getting a bit aggravating being a goody two shoes all the time. I was never entirely hardcore but being straight edge is getting really boring.”

“Well, if you want to smoke--”

“If I wanted to fucking get blazed I would ask, I’m not stupid. You smoke that stuff daily now, I’m not blind, and you always smell.”

“Then what did you have in mind?”

“You’re going to help me live a little.”

Alex spends nearly 40 minutes convincing Justin they should go drink somewhere, sometime. Though Justin seems a bit hesitant he also clearly understands that the other boy needs to relax a bit and let loose. Once it’s been explained that he figures a casual bit of drinking between two good friends would be better than any kind of party, Justin agrees. 

They hang out for a few hours watching netflix and making jokes at each others expense, then Justin heads home. They wait until Friday to engage the plan because Alex didn’t want to have to worry about school or hangovers or questions. The plan is that he goes over to the Jensen’s house and Clay covers for them, which he gladly complied to with a casual reminder to be safe. This way the two of them are relatively free to do whatever they want and go wherever they please, which is exactly the kind of feeling Alex had been hoping for.

Justin had everything prepared, too; the booze had already been bought, there were snacks and water bottles packed, he’d rolled himself about a million joints, and they both had some spending money just in case they needed it. Once Alex arrives they spend a little time sitting with Clay and chatting. After he seems sure they’re not up to anything devious he relaxes and they have a nice time. Once the sun is down, the two boys leave Clay to his comics and movies and go to begin their evening of adventure.

First they go and find a place to sit in the park that isn’t too obvious or well traveled. While sharing some coolers they watch funny youtube videos, sitting close until the mosquitos start to get them. Once the drinks are finished they spray each other down with bug spray and leave in a coughing fit. Justin eventually sparks up and this time Alex joins him, though he coughs more than he would like. They walk to a late night pizza place not too far from downtown and spend some time there, pleasantly buzzed.

By midnight they’re both in high spirits and far from sober. Once again they’re outside, and though Alex has his cane out he’s keen on not stopping any time soon. The pain is minimal currently. Justin hands him a cooler, one he’s already sipped from, and they share it as they hobble along through the night. Sooner or later Alex knows he’ll need to stop and sit down again, and Justin seems to know this too because they happen upon a little playground right on time. Initially, they simply take a seat on the benches and share another cooler but once it’s finished Alex feels energetic once more.

He goes and begins to climb up to the top of the structure, playing with the bits and pieces along the way, only having a bit of trouble when it comes to a rope net. He avoids that and instead goes down the slide. When he looks around he sees Justin on the swings waving to him. With a big grin he makes his way over and they swing together for a bit. His head is absolutely buzzing with both lightheadedness and elation. He hasn’t felt this alive in months, maybe years.

“For a kid destined to become a pirate you’re not too shabby at fake rock climbing,” Justin says while lighting yet another joint.

“Saying that it’s my destiny to have a bum leg is a little fucked up, don’t you think? That’s like saying I was born to try and fail to kill myself.” Though his words are bleak he’s nothing but smiles and giggles, happily plucking the joint from between the other’s fingers.

“Okay, shit, I didn’t mean it like that.” He looks suddenly very serious and quite bummed but Alex just gives him a bit of a shove.

“Don’t! Don’t start pitying yourself now. Or me, you had better not be pitying me.”

“Or else what?” He takes the offered joint as Alex exhales a plume of smoke.

“I dunno, I guess I’m getting pretty buff from all the workouts so I’ll probably kick your ass.” Justin laughs so hard he chokes on smoke and ends up dropping the rest of the joint and stomping it out, unable to catch his breath for several moments. If it wasn’t so endearing Alex might have been a bit offended. “Geez, you gunna be okay?”

The other boy just nods and wipes at the corners of his eyes. Once he’s regained composure he tries and fails not to smile every time he glances over. After it happens a few times Alex shoves him again, causing some giggles to come out. “What’s so goddamn funny Foley?”

“Sorry, I just get such a kick out of you sometimes.”

“You’ll get more than a kick out of me if you’re not careful.” This time Justin shoves him.

When he feels like he’s not so lightheaded anymore he gets up and heads back for the equipment. This time he goes for the glider and easily glides across, though he stumbles and nearly trips but catches himself on a pole. He ascends the fake climbing wall again and perches himself in the lookout nest, though he can’t see much due to the low light. It’s not until this moment, looking down at Justin as he stares at the slide, that Alex realizes where this park is.

The Rocket, Hannah had referred to it as. Alex’s chest sinks and burns as he realizes this is the place of their first date, of the beginning of the end for her. Looking down on Justin it’s clear that he’s thinking about it too, that he’s not having the best of times with it. Alex panics, not wanting this to turn sour with emotions. He makes his way over to the slide and pushes himself down it. Justin startles out of his memories and looks down at him with a sad smile.

Alex wants to make it less awkward but the first thing that comes to mind doesn’t really help. He says it anyway. “So you take all the pretty girls here for panty shots on the slide, huh? Is that all I am to you, a cheap thrill?” His heart pounds in his chest as he suddenly worries he’s gone too far.

As low of a blow as that is Justin still laughs at it. They sometimes said things that were completely out of line but, usually, it was more relieving than anything else. Usually, but not always. “Alex, sometimes I think you’re a goddamn goblin.”

The relief that floods into him almost makes him feel sick. Why had he said that? How was that comforting? He wanted to smack himself for being so cruel. “You’re probably right.”

Then, instead of him being the one to comfort, Justin steps over and places a hand on his shoulder. “If you are a goblin, you’re the best kind. Maybe the prettiest, certainly too good for an accidental slip.” He seems pained saying this and obviously is still thinking back to what he’d done.

This infuriates Alex, that not only has he failed to be a friend but he’s managed to make things even more painful. “I insult you and you flatter me. Figures, everyone has to be nice to the cripple.” He doesn’t mean to potentially take it out on Justin but he doesn’t know what else to do. Rather than continue down this path, he turns and focuses on being physical. It felt good to be able to climb again, even if he was ridiculously stiff and slow. Justin stays quiet but follows after.

As goofy as it is for them to be playing on children’s equipment, Alex enjoys how limber he feels compared to a few months, even weeks, ago. His limp is ever present but he’s not only able to keep his balance and stand up, he can bend a bit more too. Being able to climb the net and the fake rock wall actually meant a lot to him, even in his inebriated state. He contemplates the monkey bars and decides to dare it. Justin stays nearby him to watch but doesn’t seem much into being here anymore.

The first part goes well enough, several swings in a row landing perfectly. Just when it looks like Alex is about to make it to the end his fingers falter and slip off the bar he’s reaching for. Before he can let go with the other or get ahold again with his free hand, Justin steps close and, as if they had both planned it, Alex falls into his arms. Both of them seem a little shocked at how quickly this had come to be and for the moment all they can do is stare. They cling to each other to keep steady and gaze into each other's eyes more deeply than intended. Just as it gets a bit heavy feeling, they each break out into a smile and laugh.

Alex thinks he's going to get away with it. That this is all they get, and really he's fine with that, but suddenly Justin's face is close to his. Instantly his eyes are drawn to the lips of the other and, as if in a perfect dream, their lips meet. His heart nearly bursts out of his chest but he's glad to finally have some kind of sign. It was more than pity that kept Justin around him after all.

As soon as he feels like Justin is pulling away his hands come up to keep his face close. It’s been so long since he kissed anyone and felt something that he’s sure he probably sucks at it but neither of them seems to notice or care whether or not it’s a good kiss. In fact, considering it goes on for several moments, he would go so far as to say that it was a good kiss. A _great_ kiss. Finally they break apart, both slightly panting. He’s not sure how to react or what to say.

It felt good, _too_ good, suspiciously good. It had to be the booze because he knew he shouldn’t have done that. Catching feels was the last thing he should be doing right now. He hardly had any friends as it was so if things turned bad with Justin he’d have even less. Plus, as hard as it was to admit, he liked Justin better than anyone else, even Jessica. He didn’t know why exactly but he knew that of anyone he had to lose Justin would be the hardest. After all they’d been through now it would be such a shame to lose him. They were finally starting to truly connect.

The other boy is silent as well, clearly lost in thought. Alex swallows a lump in his throat. “Whoops,” He says smartly and the two both look at each other for a moment. Then a grin breaks across Justin’s face and Alex feels relief well in his chest. “Guess we’re having a little too much fun, huh?”

Justin shrugs as they make their way to his backpack and the cane. This time he pulls out a pack of cigarettes and Alex just stares at him. When he notices he just shrugs and lights one up anyway. “So you smoke those now too? What’s next, crack?”

The look Justin gives him makes him shiver, some cross between annoyance and dislike. It hurts to see, even more so considering only moments ago they had kissed. He wondered if they would talk about this when they were sober, or if it even mattered. This train of thought makes his brain burn and itch, so he takes a seat next to the bag and goes digging around for another can.

While Justin smokes the cigarette he chugs down as much of the cooler as he can muster, to the point that the other boy reaches over and stops him from continuing, his brows creased with worry. Alex decides it would be best to just not look at his face for the rest of the evening. Their adventure could still be fun, though he had to admit he was starting to get tired.

Minutes go by in silence as they both sit buzzed and dazed, neither really knowing what to say. Once Justin’s cigarette is out he sighs and finishes off the can he’d taken from Alex. Being the considerate jerks that they were they hadn’t been littering so he gets up to toss the can into the recycling bin. Upon his return he stops in front of the other rather than taking a seat again. 

“Things don’t have to be weird,” He says shyly with his hands shoved into his pockets. Alex glances up and Justin looks to the side. “It was a good night, right? Let’s keep it that way.”

Alex swallows heavily and thinks that over. Was he offering to forget it ever happened? Chances were this would all be hazy in the morning anyway. The problem was that Alex didn’t want them to forget, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything about it. With a nod he agrees. “Yeah, I know. Thanks for letting me have some fun. Maybe we should head back?”

With another nod they gather their things and share one last joint on the walk back to the Jensen’s. All Alex can think about is the kiss and the cigarettes. What else was Justin hiding? Would he become a shameful secret kept from the light of day? When had he started smoking, and why? He was a former athlete and had never shown interest in anything beyond weed in his life until… until the streets. Alex wonders if there’s a connection. Maybe he’d picked up smoking because of the urges? Now wasn’t the time to bring it up but he had to wonder.

Was Justin truly clean or was he silently struggling, too afraid to reach out for help?

They make it back to the house safe and sound and Clay, who was obviously asleep only moments ago, lets them in the front door rather than have a tipsy Alex try to climb in through the window. Somehow they all manage to be quiet and not wake up Clay’s parents. Once in the safety of Justin’s room (formerly the study) Alex breathes easier. He sheds his jeans and sweater and sprawls out on Justin’s mattress. He hears rather than sees the lights flick off and rolls over onto his back to give Justin some room to lay down too.

Neither says anything for the longest time. In fact, Alex is sure Justin has already passed out when his voice, barely a whisper, breaks through the darkness. “Goodnight, Alex.”

Something about the tone is so sad that he shifts closer subconsciously. “Night, Justin. Thanks for treating me like a real human, it’s a great change from my day to day ‘woe is me the fragile broken one’ spiel.” With a faint chuckle, they slip back into silence and eventually sleep. They sleep heavy and wake up late and neither of them mentions anything remotely close to the kiss. Most of the day is spent with headaches and laying down or drinking water, but even then it’s better than being alone. 

The only downside is how vividly he can remember kissing Justin, the strong need for more, the wetness of his chapped lips, the smell of weed in his hair. How obviously Justin had kissed back with the same need and desire, and how good it had felt to be wanted by someone. They hang out once more that weekend and everything seems relatively normal, but on Monday things change. It isn’t obvious at first but when it does become obvious it creates a pit of anxious disgust in his stomach that makes eating difficult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, lots of work and not enough motivation happened, but at last here is something more to read. hopefully it was worth the wait. the next chapter is half done so here's hoping i can get it up in the next week or so!


	4. my bodys covered in teeth marks your bites worse than your bark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote too much and couldn't figure out how to split it up so here is one huge chapter. i guess ill just always be taking a long ass time to update, my apologies to anyone enjoying the story. hopefully this juicy chapter makes up for the wait. i've got the next bit in the works so wish me luck, and hopefully i'm providing enough desired content vs surprises.
> 
> use of slurs occurs! because some people are jerks yknow. can we all just give justin (and ofc alex) a group hug?

_ Justin _

The weekend had been quite a wild time that had left him rather emotionally drained. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened and how badly he had handled it. How confused he had been and the look on Alex's face the day after right before he'd left. That look of hopefulness turned to disappointment. When they had seen each other on Sunday he had been abnormally quiet as he’d been debating confessing things to the other. In the end he said nothing.

Monday was awful from the moment he woke up. Sheri had texted him saying she had read some nasty things in the bathroom wall about him in regards to Bryce. She said she had an idea of who might have done it but he told her he didn't care. He didn't want to obsess and potentially seek the person out. He had to ignore shit like that or it would destroy him. So he gets ready and goes to school as if it were any other day. He meets Alex at his locker and briefly they talk with Zach before he heads off to prepare for calculus.

It’s one of those days where he knows it’s not just paranoia. There are many sets of eyes on him and a lot of the whispering he can pick up on sounds like trash talk on drug addicts. There’s even a bit of snickering. Somehow Justin keeps his composure, probably because Alex was at his side and gunning people off like there was no tomorrow. Neither of them spoke. Apparently someone had found a needle in the parking lot and now rumors were spreading fast about who might have left it.

They round a corner and a small mob of jocks stares at them, feral grins pointed snobbishly towards them. He grits his teeth and considers turning around and taking another route to class but he hates, _HATES_ , showing weakness all the time. As they approach one of the seniors says, loud enough so both boys and a few bystanders can overhear, “A junkie and a cripple, the tragic match made in Heaven.” 

Several snickers break out before Monty adds, with a smug look on his face, “I wonder, which one of them is the girl?” He stares them down like a hungry dog waiting impatiently for a piece of meat. He can feel himself tense up and he can feel Alex taking note of it. Both of them had a good idea of who may have started, or at least be feeding, the rumors about the needle.

Two of the boys make lewd gestures and the others all bark laughter. Justin‘s fists are clenched so hard, shaking at his sides, that his fingernails dig into skin. His jaw feels wired shut but even if he could open it he wouldn’t know what to say. He knows this is a call for a reaction that he has to deny them. That would be the better thing to do, but it’s hard, so hard. Alex is clearly in the same boat but manages to hold himself together a bit more coolly. Barely.

Alex rolls his eyes and gives them the finger. “You goddamn uneducated shit stains, that’s not how it works. Anyway, you’re more of a pussy than I’ll ever be, Monty, you sick son of a bitch. I know what you did to Tyler-- and it just screams closet case.”

Justin isn't really sure what that means, and from the looks of it neither does anyone else except Monty, who briefly looks agast before rage takes over his features. There’s a collective “oooooh’ and then a hush falls around the surrounding hall. Every gaze is stuck on either Monty or Alex. But Alex, being the more calm and collected of the two, doesn’t give anyone the satisfaction of further engagement. Even though Monty starts to stride towards him with acidic words about to spill out, he just turns away like it’s nothing. He’s radiating anger and clearly wants to egg him on but knows better.

This only infuriates the taller boy further and he goes to reach out for Alex’s arm. Justin quickly inserts himself between them and glares the other boy down before following after his friend. He had enough time to imagine what it would be like to attack Monty, to smash his face to pieces, but he knew if it ever came to that it would have to be off school grounds. That meant that any time he and Alex were outside of school they were now in potential danger. The two of them were well aware of the things Monty was capable of.

“Why don’t you two faggots just get married and elope already? Better yet, why don’t you just kill yourselves and do us all a fuckin’ favor?” Though he’s shaking with rage he just keeps walking, Alex’s slow pace making storming off a bit tough.

“There’s no room for social outcasts at Liberty High you cocksucking fruits!” He calls after them, one last stab before they round the next corner.

It’s hard not to look back knowing Monty is ready to blow but he manages to avoid it. He can just picture the look of rage on his face as the cruel gears in his head start to turn. This likely meant they were now in his sights, again, but if anything got confrontational he was ready to stand up this time. He wouldn’t let Monty hurt Alex again. Just remembering the fight, how he’d let it happen, the bruises his friend had carried, it all made him feel ill. He shouldn’t have been such a coward. He should have never hidden behind lies.

This makes his stomach begin to twist and turn as anxiety hits. In the span of less than a minute they had acquired a world of annoyance. Hopefully they could just stay the fuck away from him and avoid any further altercations. Everyone involved had a lot to lose if things went downhill too fast. He didn’t want to upset the Jensen’s after all they’d done for him, and he didn’t want to jeopardize his chances of graduating on time any further, but if it came down to it Justin would do anything to prevent Monty from getting to Alex. _Anything._

The rest of the day passes in a blur of discomfort and paranoia. Not only is he worried that everyone whispering to a friend is talking about him but now he has to worry about being watched by Monty and his goons. Somehow he makes it through the day without bailing or breaking anything but by the end of it he feels the despicable need to get high. Not with weed, no, he feels weak and disgusting and knows of only one way to temporarily ease that.

As much as he wants to sneak off alone to do things he really shouldn’t, Alex wants to hang out and he doesn’t have a believable lie. Usually his excuse was work or homework but Alex knew his schedule better than he did. Maybe, just maybe, he has an idea of what’s going on in Justin’s head. That both scares and comforts him because he doesn’t want anyone to know about his shameful secret, yet he also desperately wants help that he can’t find. Spending all of his time with Alex was the closest he’d gotten to asking for help, and when he wasn’t with Alex he was with Clay.

Clay was a good person, and though he sometimes overanalyzed things, Justin had truly come to respect him. Besides, the two of them sometimes could talk about Hannah in ways that nobody else except maybe Zach could understand. The sad part was neither of them could do it without guilt and shame. But they had both come to agree that talking about things was much better than going crazy individually. Clay probably had no idea that Justin was still using H because he was so damn good at hiding it, and the weed was just casually accepted. Even Lainie rarely grilled him about it anymore.

So, as much as he itches to be alone, he puts on a smile and ends up having Alex over. He stays for dinner at the Jensen’s behest and though Clay is still getting used to seeing both of them more often, he doesn’t seem bothered at all. In fact they have a good chat with the whole family and Justin has never felt more like he belongs. It’s almost painful to bare, especially with the itch burning every second he sits with them. After dinner, he and Alex retire to his room, and Clay heads out to do something with Tony and Sheri.

It’s a school night so it’s pretty unlikely that both sets of parents will let a sleepover happen, but regardless the two boys decide to hang out as long as possible. This is more good than bad, Justin keeps telling himself as the minutes tick by slowly. Sometimes they got away with sleepovers during the week but now was one of those times he prayed it didn’t work out. The need to smoke or shoot up was driving him insane. He decides to vent a little bit through their most current problem. It was a legitimate thing to be sour about so complaining wouldn’t be suspicious.

“Now we have to watch our backs because a fucking neanderthal couldn’t keep his daddy issues to himself.” Justin paces slightly while Alex sits at the desk, watching.

“I probably shouldn’t have antagonized him but he just gets under my skin. Still, what the fuck, you’d think they’d get better jokes by now or something, he’s like a senior isn’t he?”

“More or less. That’s fucking balls though, as if shit wasn’t still fucked up enough. Why the hell does that fecal guzzler have to be so, fucking, full of testosterone? What the fuck is his damage?” He waves his arms uselessly.

Alex rolls his eyes. “Because we ruined his life and made him fall out of the rapists good graces. He can’t move on because he’s too emotionally retarded to know how.”

“But why the fuck does that have to be our problem?” Justin laments, clearly more upset about this than the other boy was. “We shouldn’t get shit on for fucking walking down a hall together.”

“I dunno. Let’s just stop thinking about it for now, it’s not gunna get us anywhere.”

“Well then what should we talk about?” He huffs and stops pacing to face the other, arms defiantly crossed over his chest. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to vent somehow.

Alex goes to say something then stops and just shrugs He sips at his water for a few moments as he tries to figure out what to change the subject to. He wishes he knew what to say to comfort Justin, to somehow make things better so he didn’t have to look so sick. He’d gained a few pounds back though, and the sun was starting to breathe some life back into his body. He was starting to look more like himself even if he didn’t feel like it.

“Well, aside from a ton of people suddenly having heard about when you took the stand, apparently we’re gay now, so when we get married do you wanna wear the dress or should I?”

He’s a bit taken aback by the sudden turn of events. How Alex had managed to make his emotions turn a 180 in only a few words, he had no idea. It was relieving though to joke about and think of. He feels his heart flutter even though he knows Alex is just shooting the shit.

“Dunno, think I’d probably be pretty hot in a dress, but you got a better frame for it. Maybe we could both wear dresses. Dollars to donuts, it would be the best damn wedding anyone has ever been to.”

Alex‘s smile and laugh completely wash away the worry and doubt. He lets himself be enveloped in his mirth, in their silly banter and relaxes his posture a bit. They settle down to do some homework and close to 9pm Alex texts his dad to say he’s staying the night, that the three of them are working hard on a project, which is at least half true. Miracuously his father agrees and even though he hasn’t really packed much he certainly doesn’t want to go home and risk being stuck there.

After their homework is finished the two settle in for the night, after having said goodnight to the rest of the household. Though Alex doesn’t have a change of clothes he had brought his laptop, which just meant they could do the usual. Justin borrows him a t-shirt and boxers, only a little bit weirded out by the fact that Alex didn’t seem to mind in the slightest having to wear his clothes. If he wasn’t mistaken Alex almost seemed _joyful_ about it.

They’re laying in bed with the laptop on his nightstand idly playing John Wick. The volume is rather low since most of it is just gunshots, glass breaking, and people dying. Neither of them is paying attention, they’re both just laying there in boxers and t-shirts staring at the ceiling. It’s got to be almost 1am at that point but Justin doesn’t feel tired at all. Well, he does, but his brain is too wired to give in. Though he had spent the majority of the day fiending for a fix he was now thankful he hadn’t gotten the opportunity to do anything about it. He hadn’t even smoked much weed that day.

He feels good, actually, if a bit jittery. It had started off as a rocky day and gotten worse but ended on a grand note. Best of all, he was starting to feel like he might really be able to stop using one day. It was probably just him getting ahead of himself but truly Alex had helped him avert a real heavy desire. He could go days without but never more than 5, which was becoming a bit of a problem as he spent more and more of his time with Alex. Maybe he could allow Alex to help him without giving it all away. Summer was approaching but that didn’t grant them much more freedom.

Summer just meant more time spent with Alex. Sure, they’d both be in school still, but not many others he knew would be there. For all the good he was getting out of this he still couldn’t help feeling guilt and shame for wanting to be with Alex. He knew he had no right to want him in any way other than a friend but as it became more and more confusing whether or not Alex like-liked him, Justin had to reevaluate himself and his feelings. 

Being in love feels better than it has before. There is still some pain but it’s manageable because he knows he’s doing what is best for Alex and that makes it okay. He just wanted to keep the other boy safe and happy, and as far as he could tell that meant not getting involved any further. The worst he’d done to his friend was let Monty beat the shit out of him, but that was apparently old news that the other boy hardly cared about now. 

He would convince himself that it was alright if they never kissed again or anything like that, someday. Hopefully someday soon. Even though it seemed like Alex might actually like him he was afraid to do anything about it, afraid of the wounds it would bring up and of causing any new ones to the other. If he got hurt, that was fine, he probably deserved to be worse off anyway, but he couldn’t stand the thought of hurting Alex again. He couldn’t handle being the cause of that hurt.

The bed shifts as Alex rolls onto his side, closer to Justin, his gaze focused on him. They had both been idly watching the movie but lost in thought. Justin turns his head to look at him. Instead of saying anything Alex just stares and after awhile it starts to make Justin wonder. Finally he gives in and decides to initiate whatever it was that was on the other boys mind.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Real original. Still, it makes the corner of the others mouth twitch into a small smile.

“I have before, and I will again. My phone’s too far away or I’d do it right now. Besides I’m pretty sure we’ll be here for awhile longer. You don’t have any plans. If it wasn’t for me you’d be a hermit outside of school.”

“I see Clay and his parents every day outside of school. Sometimes Zach too.”

“That doesn’t count. I was just wondering, are you, I don’t know, bored of people or something?”

“What?”

“Like, are you being depressed or whatever?”

“What? No. I just don’t like hanging out with a crowd as much as I used to. Plus I’d rather be with you than with anyone else. You’re the only one who can tolerate me.”

“So you’re not mad at anyone, or say, hiding anything?”

Justin freezes and instantly starts to panic. On the outside he hardly reacts but his insides burn with shame and self loathing. “Nah, don’t be a drama queen Standall.”

“Alright. It just feels weird that someone actually wants to spend more time with me than people who--”

“Don’t you start in on that self pity bullshit. We don’t do pity here, remember?”

Alex huffs and purses his lips. “I just don’t get you sometimes, that’s all.”

“What’s there to get? I’m just some jack off who has enough redeeming qualities to somehow deserve a decent life apparently. Why are you digging for dirt when there is none?”

He huffs again and looks away. The look on his face is hard to read, some kind of annoyance mixed with doubt. It hurts to see.

“I guess my underlying point is, I was wondering if you liked me.”

The clenching pain around his heart suddenly stops, then unwinds a bit. That wasn’t what he had expected. Then it tightens right back up tenfold as he realizes he’s trapped. Regardless, he decides to play dumb, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“Oh for fuck sakes Alex, of coure I like you. You’re my best friend.”

“Well yeah, _obviously_ I’m fucking awesome you asshole, you know what I mean. Have you ever thought about kissing me? Like, on purpose?”

Now his heart is doing all kinds of jumps and it feels like it’s bouncing around inside of his ribcage. Leave it to Alex to be straight forward about the one thing Justin wanted to avoid. This can’t be real. This had to be a cruel, cruel joke. “That’s a little gay, Alex, I’m flattered. Does this mean you’ve thought about kissing me? I’m pretty sure you have to kiss someone to marry them.” That seemed to dodge the bullet enough without being entirely dishonest.

Alex reaches over and shoves his shoulder a little and Justin chuckles. “You dipshit don’t avoid the question.”

He shrugs and ties to remain calm. “I’ve never really thought about that kind of stuff before”

“Well, have you ever kissed a guy?”

He actually takes the time to think it over before responding. “I don’t think so. I mean, aside from the other night.”

“I have.” Alex’s face breaks out in a huge grin as Justin feels his eyebrows raise in surprise. “And I don't mean that night at the park. I’m not gay though, I guess I’m bi, I mean, I’m definitely still attracted to chicks.”

Justin feels like he might throw up. He wants to be honest but with the way things have been going, he can’t be clean or good enough for Alex. Maybe if he could stay clean for more than a month he could let himself try. But right now with Monty bringing more chaos into their lives it would only put Alex in more danger if they perused a relationship. If they were already being teased he couldn’t imagine what it would be like if anyone ever saw them kissing.

When he doesn’t respond quick enough for the other’s liking he gets an elbow to his ribs, though it’s gentle. The pain inside of him is by far much, much worse. He knows he can’t say what Alex wants to hear or he’ll doom them both. Even though he knows without a doubt how much he feels for him. 

“I don't know, really. I'm your friend but I'm not sure I can give you all that you are looking for.”

Justin thinks that might be a good enough way to put it as it surely wasn’t a lie. He couldn’t give Alex what he wanted or needed let alone what he deserved, which was a partner who didn’t lie about being a drug addict. But the look on Alex’s face makes him regret it instantly; the rage bubbling over almost makes him cringe away in legitimate fear. Alex shoves him and aggressively gets up from the bed.

“Oh goddamn it you _scumbag_. You'll sleep with my girlfriend but you won't even consider--” He steps away angrily and starts grabbing his things to storm out.

“Alex--” Justin sits up, heart pounding so hard he can’t hear so well.

“Fuck off.”

“No, wait--” He gets to his feet and moves to grab Alex’s arm and Alex instantly shoves him, which puts him off balance. Thankfully he’s near enough to a wall to catch himself but that doesn’t stop him from staring at Justin like he’d just killed his entire family.

“Piss off! You’re such a fucking idiot.”

But he doesn’t let go, his heart aches too much and he already regrets trying to play it cool. Honesty was supposed to be their policy. “Please, I’m sorry. I really want to think we could-- that I could-- but I’m just not--”

At least his stuttering half-explanation seems to calm Alex down a bit, enough that he stops with his hand on the door knob but he refuses to look at him again. Neither of them even seemed to care how late it was but now that Alex was so close to walking out, he couldn’t help but worry someone might hear them. Justin swallows a painful lump in his throat and slowly lets go of his arm, hoping he hadn’t just made things all the worse. 

“You shouldn’t like me like that,” He says barely above a whisper, eyes burning with tears. “I’m just an asshole, all I do is fuck things up. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Tell me, Justin, what could you be doing that might hurt me?” The glare those blue eyes give him sends a shiver through his body. Alex had to know, he just had to, and that meant even if he did admit to it Alex would just leave. He had already said he wouldn’t tolerate that stuff at all, which meant if he admitted it now he would most certainly have to go cold turkey. Was fiending for a hit forever better than being a liar? Could he even really knock the habit?

He feels the hot tears finally spill over and down his cheeks, and miraculously they seem to change the other boys entire demeanor. Everything about Alex softens, even the cold look in his eyes. He hesitates then steps closer, awkwardly pulling Justin into a hug. They’re both quiet for a long time as he silently tries his best to only shed a few tears and recollect his bearings. 

“I just can’t be good enough for you. I already hurt you a couple times, I can’t stand the thought of doing it again, I can’t stand to think of you-- of you trying to end it again.”

For several moments Alex is too stunned to say anything. Justin is glad neither of them is looking at the other because he already feels like this is too much to handle. The worse he feels the more he wants to get high, and in turn that only makes him feel worse. He was a monster, he wasn’t doing anyone any favors by lying or denying. After several minutes pass of both of them hugging and trying not to burst into ugly sobs, they both seem to have cooled off a bit.

Still, all he can think about is the needle. If he just got high then none of this would matter, it would all fade away and he could enjoy a few precious moments of bliss. But part of him knows that the brief high isn’t worth all of this, all the pain and effort and lying. Neither of them deserves to be put through hell, but he can’t just quit. He knows what the shakes are like, he knows how cruel and agitated he’ll get, he knows he’s too unpleasant of a person for Alex to actually like who he is inside.

At some point Alex sighs and leads them back to the bed. He sits on the edge and stares at the floor blankly, shoulders slouched. Justin sits next to him and puts an arm around his shoulders. When he pulls the other closer there is no resistance. They hug for a long time and remain thoughtful. Both seem lost in their own emotions and worries in the matter so it isn't until the room falls silent that he does anything.

All he can think is that he will end up hurting Alex but he also wants to give him everything he can and then some. The thoughts go in circles and keep getting more vicious; as he spirals his fingers dig into Alex's hips and he doesn't notice. His other hand has somehow found its way to his thigh and it too clenches. Alex gasps and it turns into a weird half moan, catching them both off guard.

Alex looks at him in shock and Justin brings his lips to the others. He hesitates right before touching but with the small noise of impatience from the other boy he was the connection. They kiss gingerly at first but as his hands begin to roam and eventually slip under his shirt Alex lets out a full blown moan. It is beyond obvious that he's aroused and there is a clear lump in his pants.

This drives Justin up the wall. How could Alex possibly be into this? As things heat up he probes his tongue between his lips. Alex allows him entrance and eagerly, inexperienced in many ways, Alex shyly sucks and licks back. Justin in turn moans and gently rakes his nails down Alex's lower back. 

Suddenly Alex shoves him away and glares again. “What the fuck Foley, I don't need your pity make outs.”

“Alex it isn’t--”

“Just because I got a boner doesn't mean--”

“I didn't mean to--”

“Why do you keep messing with--”

“I have a boner t--”

“What?”

Justin swallows heavily and pointedly looks down. Alex's eyebrows raise as he notices a rather identical telltale bulge. They look at each other again and this time Justin lets himself look as hot and bothered as he feels. This seems to have quite the effect on Alex who bites down on his bottom lip like he's got something to hold back. That's all the sign Justin needs. If Alex said to stop again he would but he needed desperately to express his desire clearly.

“I dunno if I'm gay or bi or pan or whatever but I do know I care about you a lot. I think about you all the time. I worry about you, I wonder if you think if me too. I selfishly think ‘I hope he dreams about the kiss too’ every night since it happened. But I don't deserve you.”

Alex looks away and looks relieved, then upset, then sad, then angry again. “Fuck you. Don't tell me what I deserve. Don't dump all this good news on me and then try to shy away from it. It feels like you're lying to avoid hurting my feelings.”

“What?” He's honestly shocked to hear that. 

“You're fucking with me ‘cause I'm a fucking sob story. Just be honest. You don't have to pretend you have feelings for a fucked up waste of space like me. How could I possibly be your type?”

“I'm a waste of space too. I have a bad rep and I make anyone associated with me look bad. I'm a rotten apple with nothing good at the core.”

“You're not embarrassed of me?”

“Aren't you embarrassed of me?”

“Hell no! I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. I know more about you than they do. I know how hard you're trying to be good.”

Tears burn his eyes yet again and he looks away. “I'm a piece of shit, I'm not worthy of kindness or… or anything like that.”

Alex seems to consider saying something but instead he grabs a handful of Justin's shirt in each hand and climbs into his lap. Justin blinks in surprise but lets Alex guide his hands to his hips, then Alex takes hold of the sides of his head and looks deeply into his eyes. It's pretty dark but between the light from the screen and the moon it’s bright enough to provide some minor details. 

He leans in slowly, so slowly Justin feels like his heartbeats in slow motion. Then they kiss again with more passion than previously. Hands roam and grab and scratch and touch. They pant and whimper and gnaw on each other's lips like they’d done this before. At some point he nudges Alex's chin up and begins to suck and gently bite at his neck. 

The sounds that come out of the other boy are pure bliss, better than anything he's had the pleasure of hearing before. No one he's touched has ever let out such an angelic song and so he gets lost, craving, marking. He doesn't mean to but he ends up leaving a few hickies and accidentally bites too hard. Alex whimpers in pain and instantly Justin freezes.

After catching his breath Alex lays his head on Justin's shoulder as his body shivers in pleasure. Justin can barely breath as he tries to commit the moment to memory. As they take the moment to cool down a bit Alex suddenly shoves Justin onto his back and learns down and chomps on the side of his neck. It's almost too hard but feels too good to tell him to stop. 

“N-not the neck… we c-can’t both have… hhhhh-” Whatever he was going to say is lost and all he can think about is grinding his erection against the other. Alex moans his approval and grinds back, licking over some skin before he tugs the collar of his sweater down. This time he bites down more towards the shoulder, hard, and Justin can't help but bury a hand in Alex's hair and yank.

Alex rears his head up and gives a throaty gasp. He pants and Justin sits up to smash their lips together for a few moments. Once the muscles in his abdomen start burning he lets go of Alex’s hair and lays on his back, biting his bottom lip. Alex stares down at him for a bit and grinds against him, making Justin’s breathing hitch. He tries to move back on the bed more so the other boy can properly mount him and when Alex goes to help he flails an arm inadvertently into the wall. Both pause and remain silent a few seconds, hearts pounding in sync as they listen for sounds of anyone waking up.

When nothing seems to happen the smile shyly at each other, relieved to be getting away with such debauchery. They stare each other down before embracing yet again. For awhile they simply writhe and kiss and moan until Alex gets light-headed. He rests his forehead against Justin's shoulder again and Justin remains still with his hands warmly pressed into the small of his back. Their chests rise and fall chaotically as they lay exhausted and euphoric. Justin wonders if they should go further or maybe talk a bit about things first. It seemed unfair to assume, to keep going. 

“Why did you--” Alex whispers against his jaw. But before he can answer there's a soft knocking at the door. Both of them tense and Alex hastily rolls off of him and crawls under the covers. Justin sits up and tries to look presentable. 

“Yeah?” His voice cracks as he calls out.

The door opens and Clay steps in, face a glow with his phone. “Everything okay? I heard like a bang, and some weird whimpers, did someone have a nightmare?”

Both Justin and Alex seem stunned but then they both relax as relief floods them. 

Alex speaks up first. “Yeah. Nightmare, Justin was trying to wake me up and I punched him.”

“Shit are you alright Alex?” The genuine concern in his voice coupled with his lack of concern about Justin being punched makes Justin laugh.

Alex elbows him harshly in the ribs but he keeps a smile on his face. “Yeah Clay I'm fine. Sorry I woke you.”

“Uh it's okay. I just heard like a thump and stuff. Glad you're okay. I'll leave now.” With an awkward wave goodbye he leaves.

Alex sighs and lays back and after a moment to appreciate what had just happened he crawls over to lay next to him. They lay in the dark and Justin laments the thin walls. Still it was probably for the best they slowed right down. Who knows what would have happened if they kept going. As it stands his boner has calmed right down and he figures the same is for Alex. He is too cowardly to check. 

They're quiet for almost a half hour just lost in thought until Alex suddenly sighs in agitation. He turns to look at Justin. Justin turns to look back. He waits patiently for the other to say something. 

“That was real, right? You weren't faking?”

“Of course not! Don't be stupid. You're hot, that was hot, I'm very fucking attracted to you.”

That seems to shut him up for a bit. When he doesn't say anything more for a bit Justin finally makes a move. he slides closer and nuzzles his head up under Alex's chin. In turn the other boy drapes an arm around him. They stay like that until the movie is over and done with.

“We should talk about this… later,” Justin says after a yawn.

“Sure whatever. I'm beat.” Alex sighs. “Do… do you want to cuddle?”

Justin's heart skips a beat. “Fuckin hell yes I do. Roll over.”

“Why?”

“Let me hold you, duh.”

“Why do you get to be the big spoon? I'm not your bitch.”

“Calm the fuck down. Let me hold you ‘cause I want to.” He causes and clears his throat. “Please? I would really like to.”. 

“Oh… “ Alex's voice is soft and unsure. But soon enough he does as asked and Justin pulls him flush against his chest. He curls in close and slides a hand under his head, the other around Alex. “I guess this isn't so bad.”

“You're soft and warm and you feel so _right_.” Justin whispers. “It helps with the racing thoughts… I wish i had hugged you sooner. That day you hugged me felt so good I wanted to die. I thought nothing could be better, nothing would get better than that. I'm so glad there was more. I… I'll try my best for you, okay? But.. “

“Just shut up and go to sleep. “

“Okay. “

The next day is filled with shy glances and plenty of pondering. Both Zach and Clay notice something is up but it's Tony who says something. Neither of the other boys seems to make the connection but he does, probably because he was into dudes and caught Justin staring a few times. He at least has the decency to say it to Justin while he's alone. That doesn’t make it any less awkward though, and the worst part is he’s secretly desperate for advice.

“Be careful, you know? You've both got a lot of baggage so there's a lot to take in. Take things slow.”

“The fuck you on about Padilla?” He tries to play it cool but they both know what’s up.

The shorter boy chuckles and gives Justin what he figures is a meaningful look. They maintain eye contact for several quiet moments and then Tony bursts into laughter and shakes his head. He simply points to his neck and then nods over his shoulder at Alex down the hall standing with Zach. Apparently the sweater he'd picked hadn't covered all the hickies like he’d hoped, and Justin is both worried and proud.

Justin feels the blush creep onto his face and quickly turns back to his locker to hide it. Tony laughs again and pats his shoulder then walks off and Justin is left wondering if he is somehow giving their… whatever it was away. Later when he sees Alex his eyes crawl along his neck until he sees the bit that keeps peeking out. It both makes his stomach twist with shame and his junk twitch with desire. It felt good to know he had marked what he wanted but he also felt ashamed that other people knew about it. Was Alex ready for that? 

They don't get much time alone to talk at school and because Justin works that day they won't see each other until tomorrow. They mention texting later and Justin says he will send a message when he's off work. Things go well and most of the shift goes without incident and for the first time in a long time he hardly thinks about shooting up. Instead he keeps thinking about what he should say. 

It's shortly after 9pm when he finally gets off work and is able to look at his phone. He has a bunch of messages from Alex and one from Clay. He reads the one from Clay first to get it out of the way, feeling nervous and giddy about what Alex had to say. 

__**Message received from Jensen:**  
_Hey you seemed really quiet today_  
_Was it bc I walked in last night_  
_Sorry_  
_If that was uh something_  
_Else._

He is hardly surprised and a little amused to read the clearly awkward message. That was Clay’s way of somehow making something his fault even if it wasn't a real problem. He responds with a quick “you're reading too much into things again” before moving into the other messages eagerly. His hands shake. 

_**Message received from Standall:**_  
_thinkin bout those beans  
but fr i've been thinking. we should try a date a real date. see how it feels. y/n?_

_damn rights I'm asking u out officially_  
_I know ur working but I can't stop thinking abt u  
stupid sexy foley_

_I touched myself in the shower for the first time in a few weeks  
I thought abt the hickies. I thought abt u. was good 10/10_

_I hope u like me I hope ur not lying  
I hope we can hook up again u make me feel alive_

_it's like 15 mins til u get off… o I didn't mean like that but now I'm thinking abt it_

_does this count as sexting?_  
_am I soliciting u?_  
_r u thinking abt me naked yet?_

_oh god I'm so desperate I'm sorry_

Justin is taken off guard and literally stopped in his tracks to try to process this. He had been reading and walking to the nearest park to smoke his after work relaxation joint(s) and was absolutely stunned. He reads over the messages again and again and licks his lips.

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
are you trying to make my walk home difficult in purpose? have you ever done this before? the general etiquette is to wait until each participant is alone._ _you're pretty good at it for a newb tho._

Alex begins to type back almost immediately even though Justin had been contemplating typing more. It makes his heart rate pick up. He sits down on a bench and lights up while he waits for the others message. They’ve texted before, flirted before, but never like this.

_**Message received from Standall:**  
ur alone smoking r u not?_

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
don't call me out like that wtf._

_**Message received from Standall:**  
can we see each other soon? alone? bet u could teach me lots of neat things :3_

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
you are so devious. maybe tmro after pt we could grab something to eat. could cuddle before/during/after. _

_**Message received from Standall:**  
its a date. see u @ 545_

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
we gotta take things a bit slow tho okay? I don't want to mess you up. and I've never done stuff with a guy. I need to learn stuff too. _

_**Message received from Standall:**  
let's learn together. but I'm rly horny Justin like 2 often_ _I need 2 do something abt it._ _don't u wanna make me urs?_

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
all in good time. I'll surprise you._

Later, right before bed around midnight, he sends a text not even sure if Alex is still up. But as usual these days Alex replies almost immediately. He has innocent enough intentions and is honestly flattered by the attention, even though he feels like he doesn’t really deserve it.

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
hey send me a pic of your face cutie_

_**Message received from Standall:**  
what 4?_

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
cuz I like looking at you?_

_**Message received from Standall:**  
[Picture of shirtless Alex in bed looking pouty]_

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
perfect _

_**Message received from Standall:**  
what about me? show me ur tits foley_

_**Message sent to Standall:**  
[Picture of Justin giving duck lips plus cleavage]_

Alex sends him a bunch of heart and eggplant emojis and then they wish each other goodnight but he has no intention of sleeping just yet. Try as he might to avoid it, looking at the picture just makes him think of the two of them in his bed, and from there he knows of only one way to be able to sleep. He thinks about the next time they’re together, the things he would like to do to Alex, the noises he would like to make him utter. While fantasizing Justin jacks off thinking about making Alex cum, until he does so himself and is able to slip into an exhausted but satisfied slumber, the best he’s had in weeks.


End file.
